On being broken: A Confession {{Potential Trigger Warning For Negative Thoughts}}

~takes a very deep breath~

"Hi, my name is belle, and I am broken."

There. I said it again. I'm broken.

I am still broken.

But...

I am still trying to fix myself.

However...

I have a confession to make.

Most of, if not all of you know I am battling a lot of different and difficult things in my life right now.

For a while I have felt as though I have been managing them - or at least managing them as best as I could.

I found some kind of routine. I stuck to it as best as I could. I put on a brave face and did what I needed to to get by.

But...

...right now I am really, really struggling.

I'm not sure whether I am coming or going, doing right or wrong or why the entire world seems to do nothing but want to punish me but that is genuinely what I feel like at the moment.

In retrospect...

I am sorry if I am not my normal bright and bubbly self.

Right now I honestly feel like the most worthless piece of shit in the Universe. I feel like I am not only destined to be alone (in person) forever but also to be hurt and broken repeatedly through crushing hopes and dreams in the process.

I am lucky enough to have a very small number of people who are trying to help me with this and at the moment they are the only thing that is really keeping me going.

This week has been one of the hardest of my life and my journey so far.

I've left a job I have grown to love because it is making my MH worse.

I've lost a small group of friends that I had finally built in the process.

I've lost other friends that I have known for years.

I've lost a friend whose words and support truly helped to make me the person that I am today to a short but determined battle with Cancer.

I've faced rejection numerous times from the one person in my real life I had grown to love but still I continue to pursue them.

I've been told that I'm the worst person in the world by someone I used to call a friend and I've discovered that others have either lied or hidden things from me.

I've worked 3 12 hour days out of the 4 days I did work this week.

I've had anxiety and panic attacks in the office.

I've planned and executed an event with over 35 exhibitors/presenters, and hundreds of young people.

I've almost collapsed from stress and exhaustion.

I've struggled to do even the most basic of things.

But i'm still here.

I just wanted to ask that you all bear with me.

While I may not be the me you know.

Not at the moment, at least.

I hope to get back there at some point.

And when I do I hope that I can continue to get better.

Thank you.

~Steps off my soap box and wishes for the ground to swallow me whole~