On being broken: Rebuilding the Belle {{Potential Trigger Warning For Negative Thoughts}}

~takes a very deep breath~

"Hi, my name is belle, and I am broken."

There. I said it. I'm broken.

But...

I am trying to fix myself.

A lot of my friends on here will notice that I have not been myself at all for the past month or two.

This is why.

After a long time denying it and trying my best to cope with things on my own, I took the plunge a few months ago and self-referred to my local Psychological Well-being team.

After a month, I was diagnosed.

Severe Depression.

Severe Anxiety.

Moderate to severe phobias.

Borderline Bipolar.

Belle is broken.

I have a key worker/supporter, and we are working together as best as we can to try and improve me, to get me back, or rather, to rebuild me into a new and better belle.

At the moment we are working a lot on my anxiety and sleep issues using an online tool while we wait for me to get to the top of the list for full Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I'm a little scared about it because I know it doesn't always work or even help people fully, but I'm willing to give anything a go if there is even a small chance that it will help.

At the moment I am not on any medication for my illness. This is through my own choice.

If I can beat this...rebuild myself without needing to rely on medication then that is what I will do.

This year, a lot has changed in my life.

I have started trying to do things for myself, things to make me happy.

I have started my first full time job.

I've made new friends and lost old friends.

I've lost people that I love, through no one's fault but my own. And that kills me inside. But, I have learnt from it.

I want to be a better person.

I NEED to be a better person.

That is why I am posting this on here.

Only a few people have known the full extent of me acting differently, and I am eternally thankful for their help, support and love, but now it is time to let everyone know.

I am ready for that now.

The last week to 10 days was very difficult one for me for a lot of reasons. It was my second week in my first full time job and my line manager is away so on top of the normal "lost" feeling, I was completely abandoned in my role and nobody really knew what I was meant to be doing.

My Mum and Sister were away in Spain last week so I was house sitting at my Sister's which again, was something new and somewhat scary for me. It's been a very long time (for me at least) since I lived alone and that was hard to get used to, although I did enjoy the quiet (despite the roadworks outside).

I was ok, and then on Sunday I suddenly found myself deeper in what I call "little-space" (time when I feel very small and lost, almost like when you're small and get lost in the supermarket) than I have in a very long time. I've never ever felt so "little" before in all my life and I suddenly came to the realisation that there is no one around me in person any more that understands that.

Tuesday and Wednesday were particularly bad days for me in terms of me feeling incredibly low and almost "broken" as I like to call it. I'm not sure what triggered it but Tuesday and Wednesday were very, very dark days for me. I tried so hard to keep my thoughts positive and keep going with everything but I kept finding my thoughts turning to hurting myself (although I managed not to somehow) and dark places. Someone asked me to describe how I felt and the best thing I could come up with was to imagine that you were 2, maybe 3 years old and you have been left with a group of adults that you have never met before in a place that is totally new to you as well. Then imagine that you have a full time job and are running a home and add that to that intense feeling of loneliness and isolation.

I made notes for myself over both days so I'm gonna put them here now because I don't think I can really paraphrase them anymore.

"I spent all day today fidgeting and losing focus and almost completely breaking down into tears at my desk. I'm fighting that sinking feeling again and it's just...I want to do things to myself so much...to hurt myself...but I'm fighting so hard not to do it because I want to get better and I want to beat this but I just can't help feeling so broken and alone, worthless and ugly. I just want to hide from myself forever.

I've been scaring myself. The thoughts going through my head. I just find myself thinking about nothing but crying. Hiding in the dark and hurting myself and crying. I'm fighting these thoughts so hard, but I just seem to be feeling worse. I spent all day at my desk at work today and sat there not focusing on anything for at least 90% of my day. I feel like I almost broke into tears a million times, and I know at one point I had to go and hide for a few minutes to compose myself as tears began to fall. I honestly have no idea how I didn't totally break down.

When I got home I barely got through the door before I kind of just collapsed, well...crumpled into a heap and just burst into tears. I managed to make dinner somehow but i've been using a butter knife to cut things because I'm that unsure of myself at the moment and I don't want to risk it. I even subconsciously went to the shop and got some pre-cut veg because I didn't want to use a sharp knife knowing what a mess my head is in. I genuinely feel like I just want to give up and hide in the dark, right now the darkness feels good.

To top it all off, I've had the worst headache for the last 24 hours and nothing has really touched it to ease it. I don't know what's caused it but I really hope that it is easing for the long term now because i'm not sure how much longer I can put up with it for."

Since then, my sleeping has been all over the place again. I woke up on the sofa at 3am one day and have no idea how long i'd been asleep for but didn't sleep after that despite literally just moving to the bed. Other nights I just couldn't get to sleep at all until the early hours of the morning. I tried reading, lying in the silence in the dark, meditating, listening to classical music, you name it I probably tried it at some point. But then other nights I found I fell asleep and slept relatively well, though it was always broken. I'll sleep for an hour or two and then wake for half repeatedly all night.

I try and keep to the same routine for bed, I guess I'm hopeful it will help me manage my sleep better but as of yet there is no luck there. I am always in bed by 11pm at the latest, usually with some quiet music or a movie on so that I have something to fall asleep to, even if I am not watching it (usually I face away from the screen) but I still seem to be struggling with it. I've noticed that the noises I hear are getting louder when I try and sleep in silence so that's why I keep something on quietly, I guess it distracts my thoughts and makes me focus on that somewhat more than the noises in my head.

This past Monday was another hard day for me. It was the first even I have organised at my job so I had all the expected nerves surrounding that piled on top of the somewhat more constant feeling of being lost, sad, alone and useless. People came to the event which is a positive, but I still don't really feel like I did a good job even though people engaged with it, I still feel like I could have done it differently and it would have been better, that someone else could have done a better job etc.

I spent most of yesterday and today feeling incredibly low again and fighting the tears (not as much today though). Yesterday I felt like a worthless piece of shit (please excuse my language) on the bottom of another piece of shit on the bottom of someone's shoe and I have no idea why. I've spent the last 48 hours trying so hard to ignore it and carry on and be happy like I know I should be and people want me to be and think I am, but I can't seem to do it.

Last night sleep was a real issue for me. I slept for an hour on the sofa at about 6pm, so went straight to bed when I woke up to try and sleep for the night and ended up not sleeping until 4am and I just have no reason as to why I couldn't sleep.

I'm trying so, so hard to be positive but right now all it's making me do is feel worse. I've reached that point where I honestly feel like no matter what I do or where it is, whether it's work, home or personal life, it isn't enough. I look around me and all I see is people smiling, having fun with friends and being happy and i feel like i'm invisible. Like I'm this minuscule piece of bacteria that no body needs or wants in their lives.

I noticed today that I am struggling a lot with seeing other people being happy and I think that it's because I miss being that way myself. I tried to remember a time when I last was genuinely happy and I couldn't...and that made me sad but I'm trying to remain positive and keep thinking positively that one day I will feel that again.

~takes another very deep breath~

So...

There you have it.

I can't thank my friends enough for your support by your comments and likes on my photos and artwork I have posted in the last few weeks, it truly means a lot. Doing art like that helps me to relax and calm myself down, whilst expressing things and feelings I am experiencing at the same time.

I'm sure that there will be a lot more to follow as I progress on my journey.

Really, the point of me posting this here is twofold.

Firstly, I want to help raise awareness of Mental Health Issues and Mental Illnesses and what better way to do that than by sharing my own personal experiences?

Secondly, I want to share how much the support of my friends really has been helping. Without a small number of you, I would not be where I am today.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart.

What are you doing here?

I heard once from a good friend that one of the top five most commonly uttered lines in movies was: “What are you doing here?” I guess that typically it’s some kind of slapstick comedy or something that finds a use for the somewhat old and considerably overused phrase. Maybe it’s some sort of comedy of errors thing that involves situations that only the audience can see in its complete form. An innocent hug in a movie when in walks the respective partner of the hugger – or hug-ee and you get "What are YOU doing here~!?" or perhaps like the numerous skits between Manuel and Basil in Fawlty Towers:

Basil: Look, uh, go and get me a
hammer.
Manuel: Uh, como?
Basil: Hammer.
Manuel: Hammer, oh... Oh, hamma sandwich!
Basil: Oh, do I have to go through this every time? Look, a HAMMER.
Manuel: My hamster?
Basil: No, not your hamster. How could I knock a nail in with your
hamster? Well... I could try, no, it doesn't... No, I'll get it. You come here and tidy. You know - tidy? 

We’ve all been there and we’ve all seen it for ourselves, rolled our eyes, suspended belief – cause hey…we’re already out of the house and in the cinema (ticket prices are through the roof) and that doesn’t even include the popcorn or ice cream (that are both always so expensive you need a small bank loan to buy that they sell it from a jewellery case in the lobby) and we can’t forget the small bucket of diet coke (with a little ice and lemon, please. It’s then, and only then that we have all wondered, "What the hell am I doing here?"

But…and it’s a big but…despite all the cliché-ness of my opening, I feel almost compelled to answer that very question now, at the very beginning of this blog in my inaugural post: What the hell am I doing here…?

While I’d like to say that I’m not here for any noble cause; I am not sure that I can say that. I’m not planning for what I write here will somehow help with the betterment of the human race but I can’t promise that it might not do that. I am here with myself in the forefront of my mind...and this will be a place for me to get everything off my chest. If anyone happens to gain some sort of sense of worth, or even a smile (heaven forbid it!) or have some kind of stimulating thought provoked then I will be more than happy with that.

Despite only being 26, I have a wealth of experiences from my short past, sadly most of which are not the most amazing. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of "living a life that sings" and it is because of that and that alone that I am still here and still fighting. Without that mantra of sorts I would not have met the people that I have done and would not have the support network around me that I rely on so heavily. They may not realise it but I have a substantial group of people that I consider to be my family and close friends that I have never met and am not likely to meet unless one of us wins the lottery. They are spread all around not only the UK but also the World, reaching as far as Canada, New Zealand, Australia, India, and of course all over the USA and I love them all. I wouldn't swap them for anyone or anything in the universe. 

While I said before that this blog will be a space for me to get things off my chest, there will be several recurring themes that pop up and I am mentioning them now because the last thing that I want to do is trigger someone by posting about something that will affect them. A large number of posts on this blog are likely to come with trigger warnings because of that, and I will always try to state why they carry that warning within the title. Three will be a lot of posts about Mental Health issues, including the post following this one. This is because I am one of those people, a statistic, the one in four (in the UK) that suffers with mental health issues. I am one of the 90% of young people who has spent my life hiding my true feelings and denying that I need help because of how I feel because I have been so afraid of how people will react if I tell them. 

Not any more.

It’s a year to the day (12 March) since I experienced one of possibly the most terrifying things of my life so far. In the days that followed I found myself sinking lower and lower, faster and faster. A lot of things happened and as I was recovering from that I realised that I should probably get some help for how I was feeling. In early 2016 I finally took a giant leap off the top of a very big cliff and referred myself for help through the local psychological wellbeing team. I am finally getting the help I should have sought out so long ago.

I honestly wouldn't trade places with anyone, despite everything that I have been through. I can't lie and say that I am the happiest person you will ever see, I'm not happy to have been through what I have and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy, but I am happy and grateful for the experiences that I have had as a result of the this that I have been through. They have made me who I am, and while I don't feel as though I am able to love myself, I am most definitely proud of who I have become. 

The second recurring theme is food...because who doesn't love food?! I am a big girl, I always have been. I eat healthily and exercise when I can. I walk a lot most days as I don't drive yet (though I do now own a car so should probably find someone to teach me!). As part of my new me this year I am also changing up my eating and drinking habits in the hope of becoming healthier all round, not just mentally. I can't lie, there are likely to be a million photos of food (amongst other things) and recipes on here in time.

Hopefully, there will also be a few laughs and smiles along the way too and I am totally fine with that.

I've definitely had an interesting life so far but now it is time to really begin again and build a new and improved me and this blog is my space to record that journey. My journey to a healthier and happier me.

I hope you enjoy.

Belle -x