So – I met someone.
No, I don't mean that I have fallen head over heels in love with a stranger I met on the internet, I mean, I met someone new, someone online that I had never met before, and we were friends before our relationship grew to what it is now.
Boyfriend and girlfriend.
Technically I did meet them on a dating site that matches you up with people who have interests that are similar to your own; and while I cannot deny, as a female, that I was highly excited to find that this particular male had not only an interest in books, video games, movies, music and generally all things nerdy, but he appeared to be very open to a more ‘alternative’ lifestyle.
Some of the people reading this will know that I recently (well – about a month ago) I decided that I was ready to try and meet new people after the debacle that was my ending my almost 8 year long relationship in January. One of the promises that I made myself about 2 months after, when I decided to try and get better for myself, was to make new friends and meet new people in the area where I live. Since then, I have left my job, (see this post) and despite knowing it was for the right reasons, I have found it incredibly hard to keep doing that. I live in a very big and rural area where it is incredibly difficult to meet new people.
Before I met my ex, I was registered on one particular dating site and I met a lot of people on there who have been good friends to me ever since. It is for this reason that I re-joined the site in March, but little did I know, when I logged in on April 18th and checked my messages that my life was about to change but we’ll come to that in a moment.
Nowadays, there are numerous communications systems in place that are so rapid and efficient that they have virtually erased distance and time lag. Perhaps somewhat paradoxically, at the same time that long distant parts of the world have grown increasingly closer together, young people often complain about the difficulties they face in meeting members of the opposite sex. As a result of this, many have turned to the internet as a way to meet new people with the prospect of forming a relationship.
Online dating sites have rapidly become a way for people to meet and date one another. In some cases, people have met and married their significant other. For many others, online dating has brought nothing but disillusionment and ongoing frustration.
Some sites proclaim that they use “scientific methods” of matching people based on their profiles however studies have shown that the methods used by these websites do not yield the hoped for results. The fact is that lists of physical and personal characteristics have little or nothing to do with the real person. Human beings are far too complex to be reduced down to lists.
What's the old saying, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts?”
Probably why so many people complain that after selecting someone to date from an online service, and the actual person turns out to be nothing like what they expected when they meet.
Back to April 18th and that message.
“Hey there Laura :) My name is Oliver, How are you doing? I read we are both in the process of learning to drive, it’s fun isn't it? Although a little nerve racking. How are your lessons coming along?”
That was it.
Now the site that I used, like many others, is full of somewhat desperate people who are looking for only one thing and my inbox was regularly full of messages asking me to hook up etc. But this message was unique in that it was clear he had taken the time to read my profile and we had things in common. There was no attempt to hook up, a major plus in from my view.
To many, the entire experience of online dating involves searching through numerous long lists of profiles and is tiring and irksome. The process usually begins with people emailing one another. More than a few people I have met complain that many new conversations come from those who are looking to “connect” in the physical sense of the word, and when that request is denied, the person with whom they are emailing promptly and abruptly stopped responding to them. Also, there are those who seem to want to message and promise to make a time to meet but always put it off when it comes to it.
Of course, once people do agree to meet, there is the very real issue of ensuring personal safety when meeting someone who is a perfect stranger. That is why the usual first step after emailing is meeting in a neutral place for coffee and conversation. In the case of Oliver and myself, we met for bubble tea at a cute little shop in Cambridge before meeting up with two of his friends and going to the cinema to watch Civil War.
Despite knowing a lot of people who have had success with online dating, there are also many who have told me that, despite the popularity of online dating services, they often find themselves asking, “What is wrong with me that I need the internet to find a date or what is wrong with these other people that they are using these services?” In some ways, feeling as though they are a failure for not being able to find a partner in the real world.Despite all the modern day obstacles to finding an intimate partner, people feel like failures for not having done so.
Though there are often many frustrations, online dating is one resource that can, and does, work for some. However, in doing so, there is no way to really learn about the person other than actually meeting in person.
Now, let’s go back again.
First, I want to say what I think of this boy from the outside, before we began to really share things with each other. What did I know then? Well, he’s a wonderful person. He smiles, and seems to be happy most of the time. He has a wicked sense of humour that is often dry. He loves movies, especially random ones and Disney. He’s an avid reader, loves exploring and camping, and has a love for all kinds of music.
“...my life was about to change...”
What do I mean by that? Well, as I said before, I consider myself to live an ‘alternative’ lifestyle, and have done for as long as I can remember but I have never really discussed this with someone I have met from a website other than those designed for that kind of lifestyle. For some reason, and I’m not sure why, as our chats together continued, I found myself telling him everything. I guess a part of me just took control and decided to be completely open, after all, if he was completely opposed to everything that I enjoy and in some sense, everything that I identify as being, then that’s a pretty clear sign that not much beyond friendship can occur, right?
To my surprise, he didn’t run a million miles away. Instead, he began to open up himself, about how he too felt that he fitted within the “alternative” lifestyle that I was talking about, and although he had had very little first hand experience of it, it was something that he had always been curious about and in some ways wanted to explore. I can’t deny it, as the discussion continued, I became almost fascinated with him and the fact that he still seemed to want to get to know me.
Ok so, I know what you are thinking at this point . . . .
“Oh look, a guy has found some girl who likes what he does and now he’s trying to twist her around his finger to get something from her. Typical scum bag like usual”
No. That is not true. While I won’t deny (yes...I know I guilt myself...a lot!) that after one particular evening, which quickly went from a friendly chat into...a somewhat more personal chat…, there was in what some people may see as a very short period of time, a large part of me that wanted more, it is not because either of us was desperate, but rather because we are human.
So...a little tentatively, I sent him the link to this blog...and another I run where I post more personal things on a private basis. I figured, in for a penny, in for a pound. If he still didn’t run a million miles away in seconds, then I knew that there was the potential for something to be discovered and explored between us.
Alright alright.... What, you ask, what does this blog have to do with anything. Well, after our long chat on that particular Sunday, I felt really positive...but then it kicked in...the nerves…, “What about my health? What about when he discovers how broken I am?” That’s when I sent him the links. I did so very rapidly with little explanation and then said my goodnights and almost ran away. I didn’t want to be there when he read them, realised i’m a lost cause and then disappeared from my life forever. After all, it had happened before, why should this time be any different?
Secretly I hoped and crossed everything that he was different, and that wouldn’t happen but still that nagging thought was there, hanging over me like a big black cloud. I hoped that he would read them and understand. That he would understand where I am with myself and that while I’m working on myself it will be harder for me to be open and relax properly with someone else. That while a big part of me says I should be alone during this time, a bigger part says I need someone with me. Someone that cares for me, that understands, that doesn’t try and tell me what to do and how to live my life whilst looking after me at the same time.
He didn’t run.
He stayed.
Understandably, there were questions. I answered as best as I could when I felt able to. As a result of it, came the invisible blog post via email to me. I read it, and cried. Not because I was upset, but because he understood.
We are both very open with who we are and the things that we are ‘in-to’. There are things that he is the only one who knows about me, as there are things that only I know about him. He knows about every side of me, every side that I identify with. Literally everything.
Now down to the nitty gritty of all of this. The part of the “blog” that if I made it this far, then he would be proud of me. But the next section may be taken with a grain of salt, or it could be the end of our friendship. We shall see.
I met this guy on OkCupid. Which obviously means, I am (well - was) looking (albeit in a roundabout way) for love. Do I think I could love this guy? ... Do I think we could be happy together?
Yes.
I do.
Could we enjoy all the movies and books and other hobbies together?
Yes.
Could we be everything for each other that we will need?
Honestly, I’m not sure. But I don’t think that that’s a bad thing. There are aspects we both want and need, that we both need to allow a little time and space to let them grow or nurture, but given the opportunity I think they will come in time. But that’s what being in a relationship is all about, growing together with a partner.
We both just came out of a long term relationship, and perhaps we were both on a vulnerable rebound and looking to hookup when our paths crossed. Is that such a bad thing? I certainly don’t think so.
We have clicked.
There is definitely something there...it’s just a case of what it becomes down the line.
What’s better?
It all felt so natural.
It still does.
Was it simply a spur of the moment? Where we both gave into our loneliness and found comfort in the others openness to get to know one another? Or was it an event that marked the start of a...perhaps sudden, but possible relationship?
I really don’t know.
I have my demons, as he has his own.
Since we ‘met’ there’s been a part of me that wants to be there for him, to help him, support him and offer hugs when they are needed, and since then as we have grown closer, I know that that is what he wants to do for me.
What is this blog all about?
It’s about my mind.
The inner workings of my inner soul.
It’s about doing the right thing, while simultaneously feeling like i’m doing the wrong thing. Am I doing the right thing for the wrong reasons, or the wrong thing for the right reasons?
As with the invisible blog post that he sent me, this blog has no official ending, I am just spilling my mind, it really does help me to see what happens and understand it.
But there is one question that I do feel the need to answer.
“*gulp* Well, that’s it. Now I await either:
A) Ms. Belle <3 gives you a cuddle and smiles or B) Oliver... I’m sorry if you feel there’s something between us, but the other night was just fun”
Well Oliver, the answer is A...or at least a variant of A.
“Ms Belle <3 gives you a cuddle, a smile and a soft kiss.”
It’s true, we are still TOTALLY new friends, and an even newer couple and I don’t expect this to end with a ring on my finger and bells sounding in the distance, but I know that we will take things as we have been, one day and one step at a time.
If things don’t work between us as a couple? So what. I know in my heart that we will be good friends for years to come, and for that I am eternally grateful to you for sending that first message.
It’s true, we do all have our demons, but I can’t wait to continue working on mine with you by my side.
