On being broken: A Confession {{Potential Trigger Warning For Negative Thoughts}}

~takes a very deep breath~

"Hi, my name is belle, and I am broken."

There. I said it again. I'm broken.

I am still broken.

But...

I am still trying to fix myself.

However...

I have a confession to make.

Most of, if not all of you know I am battling a lot of different and difficult things in my life right now.

For a while I have felt as though I have been managing them - or at least managing them as best as I could.

I found some kind of routine. I stuck to it as best as I could. I put on a brave face and did what I needed to to get by.

But...

...right now I am really, really struggling.

I'm not sure whether I am coming or going, doing right or wrong or why the entire world seems to do nothing but want to punish me but that is genuinely what I feel like at the moment.

In retrospect...

I am sorry if I am not my normal bright and bubbly self.

Right now I honestly feel like the most worthless piece of shit in the Universe. I feel like I am not only destined to be alone (in person) forever but also to be hurt and broken repeatedly through crushing hopes and dreams in the process.

I am lucky enough to have a very small number of people who are trying to help me with this and at the moment they are the only thing that is really keeping me going.

This week has been one of the hardest of my life and my journey so far.

I've left a job I have grown to love because it is making my MH worse.

I've lost a small group of friends that I had finally built in the process.

I've lost other friends that I have known for years.

I've lost a friend whose words and support truly helped to make me the person that I am today to a short but determined battle with Cancer.

I've faced rejection numerous times from the one person in my real life I had grown to love but still I continue to pursue them.

I've been told that I'm the worst person in the world by someone I used to call a friend and I've discovered that others have either lied or hidden things from me.

I've worked 3 12 hour days out of the 4 days I did work this week.

I've had anxiety and panic attacks in the office.

I've planned and executed an event with over 35 exhibitors/presenters, and hundreds of young people.

I've almost collapsed from stress and exhaustion.

I've struggled to do even the most basic of things.

But i'm still here.

I just wanted to ask that you all bear with me.

While I may not be the me you know.

Not at the moment, at least.

I hope to get back there at some point.

And when I do I hope that I can continue to get better.

Thank you.

~Steps off my soap box and wishes for the ground to swallow me whole~

On Leaving the Man: A Few Words.

Ok so, I just want to set some things straight, and yes I have posted this before on other sites but sadly I've had to post it again.

I left the man I was with for 7 years in January. I have been separated from him for a little over three months. I haven't posted anything about it on here before because it is nothing to do with anyone else aside from me and him but apparently people are still stirring things and so I am making it publicly known now.

Nothing bad happened between us.

NOTHING! 

I left him.

IT WAS MY DECISION.

He did nothing to hurt me, he didn't cheat, he didn't abuse me, nothing bad happened. I just fell out of love with him in the way that I feel I should be in love with someone if I am going to spend the rest of my life with them. He has always been a very very special person to me and an incredible friend and I hope that one day in time we will be friends again. In the mean time, yes, it is hard, but I am living life day by day, as is he.

As you can probably tell from this blog, I have a lot of issues that I need to work on personally and I am finally beginning to do that, I am working on making me a better person and fixing myself. I have no bad feelings towards him or the years that we spent together as they are always going to be an incredibly special time in my life.

I am so happy to hear that he is doing well, coping and moving on with his life day by day, seeing his friends and moving on and I wish him nothing but the happiness and love that he deserves in life as he is one of the most amazing people I know that I will ever meet.

If you have questions about why I left, then ask me, because if I find out that any of my friends have been stirring shit surrounding it or listening to other people who are venomous and have **NO IDEA** what the hell they are talking about then you will feel my wrath, and that is not a pretty sight.

I am not posting this because I want sympathy, because I don't. What I want is for him to be able to move on with his life and be happy without poison being spread about him when it simply isn't true. He is an amazing man and I can't thank him enough for the past 7 years.

On breaking free: No Way Out {{Potential Trigger Warning for Negative Thoughts and Self Harm}}

Consider this.

A solitary goldfish in a bowl.

You might think…”How cruel…” or “The humiliation…forcing that poor goldfish to eat and shit in the same tiny space with nothing…no plants…no toys…nothing except empty space…”

Imagine how it feels to be put on display. Your only purpose is for the whole world to see your captive shiny scales. To be imprisoned within a tiny prison of water and glass with just barely enough room to turn around, and forever doomed to swim the same small waters again and again.

How about this?

A Mother Duck and her three Ducklings, waddling with serious intent, presumably heading back to their nest or in search of food, or possibly even heading for a swim on the nearby pond.

But notice something important about the sweet looking Mother Duck and her babies?

They’re a wind up toy and the Mother Duck has a wind up lever sticking out of her side.

In other words, they are not self sufficient; they can only waddle so far before another must assist them by winding the lever thus enabling them to waddle again…for a while at least. That is until they run out of steam again and the process must be repeated.

A vicious cycle of sorts.

The way I see my depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses is exactly like that. There are things that I just cannot do, no matter how hard I try. I often find that it’s incredibly difficult for me to feel any kind of emotion other than the lowest of the low. I don’t remember the last time I truly felt pleasure of any kind. There are places I feel that I just cannot go, not because I don’t want to, but because I haven’t had time to process what I’m doing and where I’m going. There are times I’ve been going out and plans have changed last minute and it’s led to me having a panic attack because I haven’t had that time to adjust and prepare myself, even if the change is just making one more stop at a different shop. One time in particular sticks out in my head, a day I had planned for a few days before hand and prepared myself and I ended up in the car not knowing where I was going with an extra person suddenly dictating that we were going to A, B and C alongside what I had planned and prepared for already. I sat in the back of the car, asking where we were going and what we were doing and got asked why I needed to know. Trying to explain how I feel, why I struggle and the fact that I am simply not well brought nothing but further issues and difficulties for me. My peers and family just didn’t seem to understand what I was saying no matter how much I tried to explain it. I’ve never felt so small in all my life. So gawked at, or second-guessed. I felt like I was exactly like that single, solitary goldfish in that tiny little bowl. Like I was on display for the world to see, to laugh and point and jeer at me. That feeling of being trapped with no way out.

Trapped.

Discouraged.

Limited.

Tired and running out of steam.

Like the Mother Duck and her Ducklings…literally running out of steam.

I know that Depression/Anxiety/ Mental Illness brings with it a whole host of other problems: feelings of being a burden, low self-esteem, and even self harming or suicidal tendencies but I’m becoming increasingly aware of the cruel irony that depressed individuals are simply not fun to be around.


Isolated.


With no way out.


Trapped in that vicious circle.


Why is it so hard to break free?