Consider this.
A solitary goldfish in a bowl.
You might think…”How cruel…” or “The humiliation…forcing that poor goldfish to eat and shit in the same tiny space with nothing…no plants…no toys…nothing except empty space…”
Imagine how it feels to be put on display. Your only purpose is for the whole world to see your captive shiny scales. To be imprisoned within a tiny prison of water and glass with just barely enough room to turn around, and forever doomed to swim the same small waters again and again.
How about this?
A Mother Duck and her three Ducklings, waddling with serious intent, presumably heading back to their nest or in search of food, or possibly even heading for a swim on the nearby pond.
But notice something important about the sweet looking Mother Duck and her babies?
They’re a wind up toy and the Mother Duck has a wind up lever sticking out of her side.
In other words, they are not self sufficient; they can only waddle so far before another must assist them by winding the lever thus enabling them to waddle again…for a while at least. That is until they run out of steam again and the process must be repeated.
A vicious cycle of sorts.
The way I see my depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses is exactly like that. There are things that I just cannot do, no matter how hard I try. I often find that it’s incredibly difficult for me to feel any kind of emotion other than the lowest of the low. I don’t remember the last time I truly felt pleasure of any kind. There are places I feel that I just cannot go, not because I don’t want to, but because I haven’t had time to process what I’m doing and where I’m going. There are times I’ve been going out and plans have changed last minute and it’s led to me having a panic attack because I haven’t had that time to adjust and prepare myself, even if the change is just making one more stop at a different shop. One time in particular sticks out in my head, a day I had planned for a few days before hand and prepared myself and I ended up in the car not knowing where I was going with an extra person suddenly dictating that we were going to A, B and C alongside what I had planned and prepared for already. I sat in the back of the car, asking where we were going and what we were doing and got asked why I needed to know. Trying to explain how I feel, why I struggle and the fact that I am simply not well brought nothing but further issues and difficulties for me. My peers and family just didn’t seem to understand what I was saying no matter how much I tried to explain it. I’ve never felt so small in all my life. So gawked at, or second-guessed. I felt like I was exactly like that single, solitary goldfish in that tiny little bowl. Like I was on display for the world to see, to laugh and point and jeer at me. That feeling of being trapped with no way out.
Trapped.
Discouraged.
Limited.
Tired and running out of steam.
Like the Mother Duck and her Ducklings…literally running out of steam.
I know that Depression/Anxiety/ Mental Illness brings with it a whole host of other problems: feelings of being a burden, low self-esteem, and even self harming or suicidal tendencies but I’m becoming increasingly aware of the cruel irony that depressed individuals are simply not fun to be around.
Isolated.
With no way out.
Trapped in that vicious circle.
Why is it so hard to break free?
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