What are you doing here?

I heard once from a good friend that one of the top five most commonly uttered lines in movies was: “What are you doing here?” I guess that typically it’s some kind of slapstick comedy or something that finds a use for the somewhat old and considerably overused phrase. Maybe it’s some sort of comedy of errors thing that involves situations that only the audience can see in its complete form. An innocent hug in a movie when in walks the respective partner of the hugger – or hug-ee and you get "What are YOU doing here~!?" or perhaps like the numerous skits between Manuel and Basil in Fawlty Towers:

Basil: Look, uh, go and get me a
hammer.
Manuel: Uh, como?
Basil: Hammer.
Manuel: Hammer, oh... Oh, hamma sandwich!
Basil: Oh, do I have to go through this every time? Look, a HAMMER.
Manuel: My hamster?
Basil: No, not your hamster. How could I knock a nail in with your
hamster? Well... I could try, no, it doesn't... No, I'll get it. You come here and tidy. You know - tidy? 

We’ve all been there and we’ve all seen it for ourselves, rolled our eyes, suspended belief – cause hey…we’re already out of the house and in the cinema (ticket prices are through the roof) and that doesn’t even include the popcorn or ice cream (that are both always so expensive you need a small bank loan to buy that they sell it from a jewellery case in the lobby) and we can’t forget the small bucket of diet coke (with a little ice and lemon, please. It’s then, and only then that we have all wondered, "What the hell am I doing here?"

But…and it’s a big but…despite all the cliché-ness of my opening, I feel almost compelled to answer that very question now, at the very beginning of this blog in my inaugural post: What the hell am I doing here…?

While I’d like to say that I’m not here for any noble cause; I am not sure that I can say that. I’m not planning for what I write here will somehow help with the betterment of the human race but I can’t promise that it might not do that. I am here with myself in the forefront of my mind...and this will be a place for me to get everything off my chest. If anyone happens to gain some sort of sense of worth, or even a smile (heaven forbid it!) or have some kind of stimulating thought provoked then I will be more than happy with that.

Despite only being 26, I have a wealth of experiences from my short past, sadly most of which are not the most amazing. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of "living a life that sings" and it is because of that and that alone that I am still here and still fighting. Without that mantra of sorts I would not have met the people that I have done and would not have the support network around me that I rely on so heavily. They may not realise it but I have a substantial group of people that I consider to be my family and close friends that I have never met and am not likely to meet unless one of us wins the lottery. They are spread all around not only the UK but also the World, reaching as far as Canada, New Zealand, Australia, India, and of course all over the USA and I love them all. I wouldn't swap them for anyone or anything in the universe. 

While I said before that this blog will be a space for me to get things off my chest, there will be several recurring themes that pop up and I am mentioning them now because the last thing that I want to do is trigger someone by posting about something that will affect them. A large number of posts on this blog are likely to come with trigger warnings because of that, and I will always try to state why they carry that warning within the title. Three will be a lot of posts about Mental Health issues, including the post following this one. This is because I am one of those people, a statistic, the one in four (in the UK) that suffers with mental health issues. I am one of the 90% of young people who has spent my life hiding my true feelings and denying that I need help because of how I feel because I have been so afraid of how people will react if I tell them. 

Not any more.

It’s a year to the day (12 March) since I experienced one of possibly the most terrifying things of my life so far. In the days that followed I found myself sinking lower and lower, faster and faster. A lot of things happened and as I was recovering from that I realised that I should probably get some help for how I was feeling. In early 2016 I finally took a giant leap off the top of a very big cliff and referred myself for help through the local psychological wellbeing team. I am finally getting the help I should have sought out so long ago.

I honestly wouldn't trade places with anyone, despite everything that I have been through. I can't lie and say that I am the happiest person you will ever see, I'm not happy to have been through what I have and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy, but I am happy and grateful for the experiences that I have had as a result of the this that I have been through. They have made me who I am, and while I don't feel as though I am able to love myself, I am most definitely proud of who I have become. 

The second recurring theme is food...because who doesn't love food?! I am a big girl, I always have been. I eat healthily and exercise when I can. I walk a lot most days as I don't drive yet (though I do now own a car so should probably find someone to teach me!). As part of my new me this year I am also changing up my eating and drinking habits in the hope of becoming healthier all round, not just mentally. I can't lie, there are likely to be a million photos of food (amongst other things) and recipes on here in time.

Hopefully, there will also be a few laughs and smiles along the way too and I am totally fine with that.

I've definitely had an interesting life so far but now it is time to really begin again and build a new and improved me and this blog is my space to record that journey. My journey to a healthier and happier me.

I hope you enjoy.

Belle -x